Here I make my declaration of faith: the single most important element in
film is plot. This is because film is an inescapably realistic medium. You
can’t make it look not like
life, though, God knows, an awful lot of people have tried. But it is life in
motion, which means that it cries out for plot to give it form and meaning. I
don’t say that you
can’t have a good film without a plot.
Most recently we have had You Can Count on Me, which I liked quite a lot,
but which has no plot to speak of — or,
as is so often the case with these arty character- studies, several. But it is
not for nothing that Alfred Hitchcock comes at the top of most
people’s lists of the greatest
Hollywood film-makers. He knew that what made
people — at least grown up
people — come to the movies was the
story he had to tell, so he always told it as if nothing else was so

Snatch, like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the first
film by Guy Ritchie (Mr. Madonna), makes up for its rather boring atmospherics
by being gratifyingly tightly plotted. For those with but a dim memory of his
earlier film, I should say that by the atmospherics I mean all that hokey
authenticity about gangsters from the East End of London whose speech is as
colorful as their methods of disposing of each other. But I
don’t buy it. These are guys who like
to play at being tough guys — as
opposed, that is, to guys who really are tough guys. You can tell because
they don’t care about how plausible
their toughness is to an audience. Brick Top (Alan Ford) is supposed to be
so tough that he feeds his enemies to the pigs. We see him describing how
quickly a herd of swine will consume a human body (thoughtfully cut up for them
by Brick Top’s tough-guy henchmen) in
quite a detached, almost scientific way.

Rubbish. It is patently all bluff and bluster. But the English, so admirably
skeptical in so many other ways, are always suckers for the guy who can
plausibly pretend to be well-acquainted with the hard men of the criminal
underworld — even though that almost
exclusively masculine demi-monde of bare-knuckle prize-fights and jewel thefts
and mayhem in the streets is unlikely still to be found in the real East
End, if, indeed, it ever was. And this
implausibility leads to others. Brick Top, for instance, goes around before an
illegal bare knuckle fight that he has promoted loudly announcing that the fight
has been fixed and that one of the two fighters will go down in the fourth
round. Are all the suckers betting on this fighter then somewhere else? Or are
they just eager to hand their money over to Brick Top so that he
won’t feed them to his pigs?

Or take the bare knuckle fight itself. If such things do still exist, they
don’t look anything like this. Little
Brad Pitt plays Mickey “One
O’Neill who regularly knocks out guys
twice his size with a single blow. Has Ritchie ever been to a real fight?
Everybody who knows anything about boxing knows that a big man with experience
in the ring and enough brain cells left to tie his shoes will always beat a
little man, no matter how good he is. That is why they have weight divisions.
But buff Brad, covered in tattoos and supposedly an Irish gypsy (or
“pikey” )
takes all the punishment that the big guys can dish out and then knocks them out
cold with a single blow.

This is a bit like the Baroque theatricality of Brick
Top’s throwing his victims to the
pigs. Ritchie doesn’t care that it is
taxing our capacity for belief by going way over the top. Belief is not
necessary here. We only have to admire the inventiveness of the Big Talk these
tough guys are always engaging in, not believe that it really means anything.
And to advertise the fact, the Big Talk is way over-written, as if Ritchie were
trying (and failing) to write Raymond Chandleresque prose in the
much-too-frequent voiceovers of his hero, a small-time crook and fight promoter
called Turkish (Jason Statham). For example, one of the tough guys called Boris
the Blade (Rade Serbedzija), a former KGB agent, is said to be
“more bent than the Soviet sickle and
harder than the hammer that crosses

But having spent so long telling what is wrong with the film, I should
briefly mention the one thing that is
right — right enough, even, to make it
worth seeing. You have to be mentally alert to follow the plot, but if you do
manage to follow it, it will give you an almost Hitchcockian satisfaction. And a
further satisfaction in reflecting that there is at least one director still
working who really cares about his plots and
doesn’t regard them as if they were
merely a means to get from one explosion or car chase to the next. Ritchie has a
lot of bad habits and annoying mannerisms to overcome, but they seem pretty
minor faults compared to this one very big virtue.

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